The Metal Hammer Moshcas 2014

Posted: February 28, 2014 in Metalhammer
Tags: , ,

In honour of the Oscars landing this coming weekend, we decided to dish out some extremely prestigious gongs of our own.

So, without further ado, here are the 100% official (definitely not official), first annual Moshcas. Good luck to everyone nominated. This is set to be a truly emotional day. And yes, the pun is truly, truly dreadful and we know it should technically be “moshcars” but we thought it looked better, so there.

Here we go…



Neil Fallon (Clutch)
Kirk Windstein (Crowbar)
Brent Hinds (Mastodon)
Chris Kael (Five Finger Death Punch)
Scott Ian (Anthrax)

And the winner is…Chris Kael from Five Finger Death Punch!

In a world where bare chins have become a startling rarity, men of the world have had to step up their facial hair to truly stand out. Chris’ game-changing squid-tentacles look has been an inspiration and proof that originality can still work. Chris, we salute you!




Thy Art Is Murder – crowd surf races
Bury Tomorrow – ‘twerk-le’ pits
Skindred – The Newport Helicopter
Five Finger Death Punch – kids on stage
Airbourne – Joel’s crowd strolls

And the winner is…Skindred!

It’s been a staple part of their sets for a while now, but last year’s festival season saw The Newport Helicopter reach new scenes of madness like never before. Shirts off, people. Let’s get silly.




Papa E (Ghost)
Nergal (Behemoth)
Tuomas Holopainen (Nightwish)
Upon A Burning Body
Steel Panther

And the winner is…Upon A Burning Body!

We already love UABB thanks to their swaggering take on deathcore, but we can’t lie, it’s also hard to not like five guys that rock up on stage looking like fucking gangsters. Surely a suit sponsorship deal is in their sights somewhere?




DevilDriver – Sail
Ghost – I’m A Marionette
Motorhead/Biff Byford – Starstruck
The Hell – Stay Another Day
Asking Alexandria – Closer

And the winner is…Ghost!

This year’s nominations ranged from faithful renditions to ballsy reimaginings, but it’s Ghost that ultimately get the gong for proving that pop music can have its darker side too given the right twinges. Plus, everyone likes ABBA, really. Right guys? Right? Guys?! Erm…




Limp Bizkit – Ready To Go
Baby Metal – Give Me Choco!!!
The Coathangers – Follow Me
The Hell – Step It Up
Steel Panther – Party Like Tomorrow Is The End Of The World

And the winner is…The Hell!

All of the above videos are ones that are both brilliant and boldly stupid. Ridiculously fantastic. Fantastically ridiculous. The Hell, however, have taken it to an entire new level of silly with a rip on The Prodigy’s classic Smack My Bitch Up video that had us both facepalming and chuckling into our keyboards in equal measure. Well played. You dicks.




The Prodigy
Iron Maiden
Limp Bizkit

And the winner is…Tool!

While we should be used to most of the above biding their time when it comes to new music, Tool rally are the kings of non-commitment. They’re in the studio! No they’re not! Maybe they are? Who knows! All we do know is that when we get that album, eventually, it’s almost certain to be amazing.




Randy Blythe (Lamb Of God)
Jesse Leach (Killswitch Engage)
James Hetfield (Metallica)
Dez Fafara (DevilDriver)
Paolo Gregoletto (Trivium)

And the winner is…Randy Blythe!

Bashing out 140 characters just doesn’t cut it any more. You need something interesting to look at to accompany your words. Randy continues to show himself to be a thoughtful, kind and artistically minded individual with what is undoubtedly the best Instagram account on the interwebz. Although Papa Het’s is admittedly pretty fucking funny.




Miss May I
Iron Maiden

And the winner is…Crossfaith!

This was a tough one to call, but ultimately, Crossfaith took home the gold with the above design. Did they effectively just taken an awesome character and stick it on a black tee? Absolutely. Did we fall for it? Without question. The Joker is and always will be metal as fuck.




Morgue Orgy – The Dildo
Zakk Wylde – Valhalla Coffee
Devin Townsend – Ziltoid Cap
Heavens Basement – Hot Sauce
Every Band Ever – Christmas Jumpers

And the winner is…Morgue Orgy!

Sometimes, you just have to applaud a band for doing some great PR. Are Morgue Orgy a rubbish band? Not at all! Would they have got anywhere near as much attention were it not for a brilliantly executed campaigned spearheaded by a dildo being shipped to magazine offices around the world? Definitely not. Credit where it’s due.




Paolo Trivium’s cat
Paolo Trivium’s cat
Paolo Trivium’s cat
Paolo Trivium’s cat
Paolo Trivium’s cat

And the winner is…Paolo from Trivium’s cat!


Well, that wraps up this year’s Moshcas, everyone. It’s been truly emotional indeed. See you next week, and take care.

from Metal Hammer
via Merlin

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